| | Time: | 04:58 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/depressed.gif) depressed |
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| Less than three months to go and i just can't seem to dial down the crazy. I spent most of last week sobing uncontrollibly. I'm afraid my inability to control the way i feel is going to hurt my relationship with my own baby. I am not ready for this i had things i wanted to do before i had a kid and i didn't get any of it done. I'm afraid i won't be able to control that resentment. The worst part of it is he's coming at thhis for a whole diffrent place. he's had a good part of his life to do the things he wanted. In that respect i think he is more ready then i can ever be at this time. And i think i resent him some for that as well but also regret the loss of our just being a couple for awhile before being saddled with a child. I will be burdened from now on with someone i have to take care of and i haven't even finished myself yet.
I make all the money and don't have a penny for me after all the bills are done. I don't even have any money for food or gas really but neither of those are luxuries. I bought this stupid place trying to make the best move i could for us but maybe it was a mistake. I would have alot more free money if we had just rent some 2 bedroom pos. This is so aggrivating cause i make a lot of money if things had gone as i wanted i would have saved all this year and would have had alot put away before buying a place and then settle in for kids but it didn't and i am not sure how i can keep it all together. The majority of my maternity leave is only half pay and we can't pay all the bills when i get full pay. His dinky job only make enough to cover his bills. I am just drowning and there is no way out. The only thing i have left is anger and fear and resentment. None of theses things did i ever want towards my own child. When people say congradulations aboutbeing pregnant i just want to cry and faking happiness is just making me sick.
I just want to scream. And talking to him is like talking to a brick. He says he wants to talk but i say stuff and he says nothing in return or things that are completely useless. It's so damn aggrivating! He says he tries but saying half hearted it'll get better is NOT trying nor is it helping. It is lible to get him assualted. | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| | Subject: | News | | Time: | 02:20 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/tired.gif) tired |
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| So i had the big ultra sound the same day as the closing of the house the bank owns and they kindly let me live in.
We are having a girl... or so the the person tells me. I wouldn't be able to tell for those crazy ultrasound pics.
It's sunday now and i have moved all i own to my new house. I think i will be unpacking for days. My parents came to help out. My mom is the best at unpacking and organizing. I am so glad she came or i would still have more boxes then i do have kicking around. She also bought us our very own washer and dryer which gets deliver on thursday. YAY non more laundry mat!
Sad thing is I only slept for a few hours last night. It's so damn quiet out here compared to the busy street in lowell where i used to live. I am not complaining. It'll just take some time to get used to not hearing the neighbor's music, the car at the stop light and the endless stream of emergency viechles. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | There is so much i am internalizing for lack of a way to express myself and maybe a little fear if i could verbalize some of it, it makes it more real. There is so much going on. Everything is moving so fast and i feel i have no contorl not even over my own body. I think i want to eat somehting a few bites in i have to stop. Tommorow i am going house hunting as i got my pre-approval form the mortgage company this week. Rather own then rent any fucking more. The chanllenge finding what i need/want in the time frame i need to. It's a lot added with the not feeling myself, it's a little overwhelming. Alot people ask me if i am going to take my lip piercings out. I have said no thus far but they say i will once the baby gets a hold of them. That would be a real fun emergency room trip beacuase my baby ripped my lip open by pulling out my piercing. I already had to take out my belly piercing. With loosing so much of myself, am i prepared to sacrifice this bit more? You know i thought i would be more ready for this. GReanted it was not planed but i get the feeling even if it was it would still be overwhelming, add buying a place (if i can find one) and it's stress city as well as my jab being the first and only female in my division in this department. Thankfully i have a week's vacation after friday happens. I was supposed to go to florida but i will just proboly be bored out of my mind but it's a week away form work and few things are that precious. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I am going to be a mommy and the date is June 17th.
I had my first doctor's visit. Since i was shaped the right way we even got to hear the heartbeat earlier then we should have. The doctor said once you hear that the chance of miscarriage is less as the fetus has developed enough. The poked and proded me way to much. I gave more blood then i ever have before and i loathe the evil needles. Sadly i am going to have to take out my belly ring, i love that piercing. I still sometimes can not believe i am going to be a mom. I wanted to be but i had planed on a year or so form now. There are lots of things to do and little time to do them. So that is my news for now.
 | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Intresting | | Time: | 09:28 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/loved.gif) loved |
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| | It's crazy how diffrent things can be with a little time. Everything seems like it is flying by at a speed to fast to see. Things are going very well right now. I started the new job in my company and got my first pay check which i must say is pretty damn sweet! My wolf and are are very happy and doing very well. I met his whole family and his sister and her girlfriend just love me. I have them caling me to come hang out wiht them. It's nice to feel so completely wanted by them. They seem more like a family then the one i knew and it's easy to relax around them. All of them are away this week due to work and i already miss them and him. The winter is going to be rough one but if we can stand it, i think it will all just work out. I am looking foreward to our trip to florida trip in october. It's going to be a lot of work but fun too. I am working the nascar with them in july which will be intresting I am sure. The winter when they will be gone the whole time concerns me some but it's still a ways off and i am trying not to worry too much ahead of time. Goddess knows i will be on a plan south any weekend i can afford to go, granted work doesn't fuck me with a weekend shift. WE have a lot of plans and i hope we can pull some of them off. He makes me happy and i know i do the same for him. I could not ask for more. You always seem to find exactly what you are looking for when you aren't even looking. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| So it was definetly fun and amusing. Never got to dance around a fire at any other event i have been to. Although larper is a larper is a larper. It's funny no matter what the game, the style of people doesn't change. There was it's intrinsic drama but since i realy knew no one and nothing about anyhitng so it left me be. Sadly the drama i did see makes me trepidous about continuing. I hate drama! I am so tired of it and go to great lengths to avoid it when it involves myself.
I really did have a fun dancing and hanging out, which was most of what i did. I got drunk, I danced, I smoked, I slept, I hung out. Quite honestly i would proboly have been pretty bored if it wasn't for the people i came with and the fire dancing. I was really sad to come back to reality on a whole. The wolf and I had a really good time. Some intresting conversations and alot of time with one another. Hopefully i am not the only one to think so. It would be so nice if life were as simple as that.
As the real world crashes back, so does the concerns and the stupidity of all this shit. There are a few things that i am concerned with but i can only wait to see what shall come of that. Work sucked ass today. I am still waitiing to hear on the tech job that i could throw a rock form here to hit.I am still very tired from the weekend but tiredness seems to be a constant stat i can't shake.
I watched this really sappy movie earlier and there was this song in it and the refrain just caught me. I looked up the lyrics and really like the whole song, so here it is:
Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let the morning light come in and let the darkness fade away
Chorus:
Can you turn my black roses red?
Can you turn my black roses red?
Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me
Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz
I'm feelin like I'll blame it on love (x6)
Can you turn my black roses red? (x3)
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love
I'm feeling like I'll blame it on love | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I know I always write here when i am pissed or upset so i thought i would try to make a post while things are going well for a change.
Life is... diffrent, intresting, very busy.
I don't know what to think so i try not to, about anyhting. I have a ton to do to be ready for creathorn. A much awaited weekend of debautchery, fun and gaming. I think i ahve almost everyhting i need bought. I still ahve alot to be ready and all i ahve left is tommorow night. Then wednesday is fight practice wiht new purddy arrows a sexy man is making for me. Then thursday in early out then off for the extra long weekend. I am still trepidous about returning to larping but so many people i know will be there plus if i don't have fun there is always the night time activities to amuse me. Creathorn should be good. How good? Remains to be seen.
I guess my earlier rant was foolish because a few days after she came home they broke up for their own reasons. Funnier yet he got my lj and read said post and we talked about it today while we were outside of walmart. I said "well you were driving me insane" and this old lady laughs. She said "i am not laughing at you just guy girl stuff." She was right tho, it is sorta funny and he was driving me insane that day. He and i have been spending alot of good time together. I enjoy his company and things are good. He needs someone to listen and i ahve someone to counsel. For the first time in a long time i feel less than useless and there are a few other perks. *wink* Yes i have my fears and worries. Would i be me without them? But truth be told they are not really bothering me. I am having fun and as long as that remains the case, why worry!
Life is... and we shall see where the mistress leads.
**so ends the transmission... you may now flee in horror from my positive entry** | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Blackmores Night - Ghost of a Rose | | Subject: | Random Rantings | | Time: | 09:53 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/listless.gif) listless |
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| I always seem to get myself in the most intresting of places. I am not sure yet if it is a bad one or a good one. Time will tell on that account but what i do know is that it has been fun. That may change tommorow or not at all. We're back to the issue of time. I hate having to wait on other people to know if my life will go kiltering off or remain in the state of which i like it at the moment.
The more we talk, the more we speak, I feel as if the good times are over and it's time to wake up. I have no one to blame but myself for getting into this but I had ever so much fun. It's my up and down nature pulling me apart. I wish to remain positive but doubt has me in a strangle hold. Fear is my dibilitator and she has already raised her head. Last week i began wiht such a great mood and this week i begin with a sinking feeling.
One can hope for the better but the worst is what we usally get.
Is it wrong to want to feel like you matter? I mean honestly i knew i was the other woman before we started but it was in motion long before i knew that. Her coming home brings it into stark reality. It was easy to pretend when she was away. I am not sure when it became a certainty between us but it just felt right. We barely talked only a few shouted conversations in a noisy club but my body knew before you ever touched it that i would let you. I think it was that long drive and that nice talk but going in to that day my body knew, my mind was slow to catch on.
This is harder for me then you but I am strong.
It is easier to deal wiht things when you have people to tlak them out with. However anyone should know if i am resorting to this loathed site, that there is no one. I have precious few tot lak to and this sadens me most of all. Not like they could have prevented what i did or will do but it's nice to have someone to talk to about it.
Blah this came out all doom and gloom, when i am aprehensive but not overly upset, yet. I guess i just had to get the negative out so i didn't keep it in and worry away at it all day. Fuck that you know me, i'll worry at it all day either way. I need to relax about some things more often.
Look Some morbid poetry! We haven't seen that in awhile from me. Some music i was listening to caught my imagination.
I sacrifice myself with every waking breath and all i recieve are ashes.
Their taste so bitter and hard to swallow.
Do you see the blood on my face, does it even matter?
The tears I shed for you will be witnessed by none.
Take away the vesiage of strength is to rip a person asunder.
Peel away the walls and their is nothing left to hide.
Sense of self is all we have, to barter with whom we choose.
I'll paint myself a shade of grey and fade into the shadow.
To seek a place to ease the discomfort and wile away the hurt. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Hungry lucy | | Subject: | thoughts | | Time: | 12:20 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/discontent.gif) discontent |
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| "Why should I
Keep this guilt wrapped up in chains
Pain again
'Cause my heart's not made that way
We can be
Just as close if I am far away
Love you enough
To stay ... to stay"
"Dirty conscience in my head
Naked dreams that go unsaid
You have put this fear in me
Why won't you just let me be
Leave me on this bed of flames
Life can never be the same
All that's left is guilt and shame
I'm not sorry
Trust is not a simple plea
All I have is all of me
You can't take what's in my heart
Leaving pieces torn apart
Leave me on this bed of flames
Life can never be the same
All that's left is guilt and shame
I'm not sorry
In the flames of truth
The blind man can see
The cross won't save you
Travel with me
As I lay me down to sleep
Wicked thoughts through my mind creep
Fire burns me outside in
Maybe this will take my sin
Leave me on this bed of flames
Life can never be the same
All that's left is guilt and shame
I'm not sorry " | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
|
- Tempeststar was first discovered by Alexander the Great in India, and introduced to Europe on his return.
- Scientists have discovered that tempeststar can smell the presence of autism in children.
- In the kingdom of Bhutan, all citizens officially become tempeststar on New Year's Day!
- You share your birthday with tempeststar.
- Contrary to popular belief, tempeststar is not successful at sobering up a drunk person, and in many cases she may actually increase the adverse effects of alcohol.
- Tempeststar is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world.
- New Zealand was the first place to allow tempeststar to vote.
- Tempeststar was invented in China in the eleventh century, but was only used for fireworks, never for weapons.
- A rhinoceros horn is made from compacted tempeststar.
- Red tempeststar at night, shepherd's delight. Red tempeststar at morning, shepherd's warning.
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| My resolution this year is to go back to school. I know i need to and i am just wasting time not taking the time to do that. I have my doubts but i need to do this. I am afraid as my job is stressful i am not sure i will be able to handle the added stress of courses. It's not like i can quit and go back to school full time. I have things i have to pay. My mother told me I should take an online course and prove i am commited to this. If i do well she will help me pay for some course, which would be a big help. I have never taken an online course before but it seems the most flexible way to work around my life. However the way my schedule is i would have the time to take a morning class or 2 once at a college once my new schedule starts, although the schedule is not set in stone they can change them if they do not work they way the company needs hours.
Here is my issue:
I was looking online for classes but find not may offer the degree i want online. UML i was looking at as i live in town and could maybe take real courses later offers BA of liberal arts with a psychology concentration. Not exactly what i want, also will take a very long time. Actually taking real classes would be optimal but my track record with that was abysmal when i had the chance. http://continuinged.uml.edu
However there is another more specialized school which only does online classes, that has a major that really intrests me. It is Clayton college for natural health. The offer degrees in natural health and all kinds thing wiht classes that all intrest me. I had given thought to take some courses there once i got a BA in psychology but online it will take much much longer then i would like. http://www.ccnh.edu
I guess my delema is I am really intrested in both psychology and the nartural health. Do i take more specialized classes that all seem intresting? Or do i try courses at Umass that has requirements with things i hate? I am not sure how good a job i could get with either and both colleges do offer help to find work.
So for those of my friend who do still take the time to pop by and see if i bother to write in months your thoughts on this would be most welcome. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Every christmass seems less and less like a real holiday. I have less and less time with my family. This year i was lucky enough even to see them. As of last thursday i was being forced to work christmass eve and day. Fuck Keyspan! Thankfully a very nice co-worker said she would take my sunday, did i even get to see my family on sunday. The holidays just seem that more depressing when you have no time to see your faimly and they moved away so it's not like oh i will go visit for a while. It just makes me a little sad cause the holidays don't seem like the holidays any more. I just don't have enough time or the seniority to make it so. Working blows!!! | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Well I may not be able to take in a bunch of people, BUT I will definately take a cat or dog to help out.
Transport Provided to Anywhere - Room Desperately Needed! (For the Animal Victims of Katrina)
There is transportation provided, with people ready and waiting, for upwards of 200 dogs and 150 cats so far rescued from the devastation of hurricane Katrina. What these animals need is a place to go. Kennels, boarding, vets offices, shelters with any extra space, foster homes and rescues. Even one or two open kennels would greatly help.
From what we know, all animals have been vaccinated and are in good health considering the conditions. There are dogs and cats of every breed and size. Some are in groups of two, three or four, hailing from the same family, while some are solitary. ANY KENNEL SPACE AVAILABLE CAN CERTAINLY BE USED. These drivers are willing to move these animals ANYWHERE they need to go. Absolutely anywhere.
The current safe houses for these animals are being inundated and some of these pets will have to be euthanized if they are not moved to make room for the incoming animals.
Please feel free to pass on this information everywhere. Every forum, every list, every community.
REMEMBER THESE ANIMALS WILL BE TRANSPORTED TO YOU.
If you know anyone, anywhere, that is willing to take in even one cat or dog, please have them contact Lynda at the information provided below.
They are also asking for ANY kind of donations for the animals - money, food, bedding, water, etc.
Please contact Lynda V. at: 203 515 3024 (cell)
Home: 203 227 5308
Email: Lynda@portone.com
*I tried e-mailing her but i don't think the e-mail works as it was returned | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Well yesterday was my birthday, another year down.
I worked, what joy then went to the fing RMV (cuz they suck). Then had some food and drinks wiht friends. I got a few b-day calls from the friends who remembered. All and all it was decent day which i can't turn my nose up at since my b-day tend to suck. I am throwing the after party for the club i go to tommorw night. Figured it was easier then having a big party tonight. Not to mention my roomate fucked me on rent so i could not afford the expense. Hopefully a few people will come chill tommorow. I get to get up to get my state inspection tommorow.
Honestly as shocked as i am to admit i ahve a fairly positive mood going. Normally i get the b-day depression. I think it may have soemthign to do wiht what i could call my b-day present i got early. It is oh so nice to have someone to hurt. I could not ask for a funner toy. *EG* I am letting things flow for now and seeing what turns up but i am content wiht myself for once. Yeah my life is nto how i want it and i am alone but who knows what'll happen.
Alright my quasi optimism is scaring me. I am just not horribly depressed at the moment but in writing here makes it seem more happy then it is. I am just going with the flow cuz nothing i can do right now will change it all that much.
I think that is all i have right. Going to toss on some happy bunny underpants (a b-day gift which rocks) then curl up in my bed. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | I am | | Time: | 06:17 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/blank.gif) blank |
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| I am nothing because that is what you make of me.
I am not sure why i keep playing this game. The fun went out of it a long time ago. I am constanly alone and more often miserable, there seems to be no relief in sight. For all things appear to have changed for me, all go on wiht their turns but i remain. Everything is shifting around me but i seem to be stuck on the same square. I am tired of hurting, of wondering and of hoping. The dice never seem to fall right for me. I am tired of beign at the mercy of other people. I hate how some people can make me feel worse about myself with out trying, how they can make me seem like a whining child just wanting a moments time. I have no depedable person to share my burdens with, or likealbe soul to eliviate some fustrstion with. This appears to be my lot in the world to be miserable and often lonely even in company of people. So I will bare what i must and rage when i can but mostly take it in and suffer in silence because it's all i can seem to do anymore. I can not seem to change it no matter how hard i try, so let it consume me and be done with it. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 03:46 am | | Current Mood: | depressed |
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| Had a terrible week
Miserable
and oh so
fucking
Lonely! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | me again | | Time: | 10:17 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/blah.gif) blah |
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| Here i am against my better judgement... typing on this thing. why always here eventually? When i want to be alone and cut myself off i find myself typing on this, the most public of forums. Ever notice how no one ever uses the names of actual people, just nicknames or vauge references. well, unless they truly hate the person and then you see them plastering their info to the world but not always. LJ is truly amusing and yet utterly ingenious.
i find it funny how a few bad words, a less then perfect conversation, a lack luster day or just plain feeling lousy will tear apart months of foreward progress. It can strip all that time of good feeling and happy days and make them meaningless. I guess it's true you know you are alive cuz it hurts. You think you have changed you go through so much and yet some simple things makes the pyramid collapse. Then you realize the reason is you built it upside down. Why is it we always build ourself up first with the the things that will turn to dust under the weight of more substancial substance? Why do we start at the top and build up thinking this time maybe it won't topple? why is the road we know we should be on so clearly seen but we can never find it?
Life i suppose is full of theses amusing surprises i suppose. So many people don't know how to help themselves without hurting or putting others below themselves. Gotta be the me first give me give me attitude we have got here. No one seems to matter but ourselves. When you give others take but they never stop to help fill you up. They never seem to undestand that plight of the soul weary.
Soul weary... no there is a phrase and a concept to ponder. I have voiced enough existential thought for today, so let us stop here and ponder that. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | True? | | Time: | 02:45 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/amused.gif) amused |
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| 
D:Your Beauty lies in
Intelligence. Logical, wise and a book-worm. You
have a mature beauty and
look that shows how smart you are. You rely solely
on your logic to solve all
your or anyone else's problems, which is a bit of a
two-sided coin. The fact
makes you seem rather emotionless and cold to some
people. Not everything can be
solved with logic. Despite it, many come to you for
advice and love how
smart you are, wondering if there is anything you
don't know. You probably don't
wear much make-up as it distracts you from your
studies, but you may wear a pair
of glasses just because you like how you look in
them, whether you need them or
not. For the most part, your looks mean little to
you, which makes all the more
attractive, especially when you're concentrated on
something. Good for you. Now
go get your next A+.
Some Things That
Represent
You:
Element: Water,
Light Animal: Owl Color: Black,
White, Blues Song:
Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata Expression:
Concentrated Stare
Gemstone: Topaz
Mythological
Creature: Centaur Planet: Uranus
Hair Color: Dusty Blonde Eye Color:
Gray-Blue
Quote:
"Knowledge is
power."
Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Share this poison | | Subject: | not surprised | | Time: | 03:16 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/content.gif) content |
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| Well i gladly had a chance to have the conversation i had been wanting to have over the weekend. The answer is what i expected and completely understandable, just not what i had hoped for. Oh well, things will continue as they are and I am fine wiht it. All and all tho my weekend was good, spent time a with my friends and generally had a good tome doing nothing in particular. I didn't really want to come home tonight but promised mom i would be here when she gets out of work. I have had work off since fri and will not work again till wens, it kinda seems like a mini vaca or somehting. it was nice to chill and not go home, i haven't done that since i came back and I guess I forgot what it was like to not have a parent around. The only down side is lack of shower gear that is yours, as you always like you shower, shampoo and soap stuff best. Heh, that's the virgo in me talking. Like i said tho all things totaled i had a good weekend and enjoyed the timw ith my friends.
I dunno i am in a good mood and i hope the feeling lasts the week but the chances are slim. However right now i am going to get some sleep in my bed with my kitty, unless he attacks me which is more likely. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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